This blog is equally for couples and families as it is for celebrants, and it culminates in a checklist of things to think about that could make or break your next ceremony.
I hope it’s helpful.
I read the transcript of this podcast recently and it really resonated with me, so I thought I would chat about the points it raised.
https://www.thecelebrantscollective.com/podcasts/ Podcast 71 (18/11/2024)
The Four Elements That Can Make or Break Your Ceremony
Natasha Johnson
Being a good celebrant is about being reflective and thinking about why a ceremony wasn’t as good as you planned or hoped it to be. What made it feel ‘off’?
Hopefully, a feeling of ‘off’ doesn’t happen very often, but every now and then we get blindsided.
Sometimes the reasons are obvious, and somewhat out of our control.
Sometimes they are subtle and it is only upon reflection that we realise the factors that were at play.
Natasha discusses 4 key elements, and I’m going to use quotes from her podcast to introduce my own two pence worth. Thanks Natasha!
1. “First and foremost, the CELEBRANT is a crucial element that can truly make or break a ceremony.”
Mistakes happen, and celebrants are human, but it is important that a mistake is not because of lack of preparation, practise, or professional conduct. A celebrant needs to be on their A game at all times.
Sound equipment is something that can go wrong despite all our best efforts, and although that is not a celebrant error as such, it does reflect on us. Recently, I took a wedding where the woman was wearing a stunning Indian inspired outfit. There was so much metal in that dress and my Bluetooth microphone did not like it one bit! Every other person speaking in the ceremony was heard clearly. She intermittently cut out.
To make matters worse, some well-meaning guests at the back thought it would be a good idea to start moving my speaker around, which created a nasty echo until I asked them to move it back.
The rest of the ceremony was amazing and that glitch was a 5% fail alongside a 95% fab, but it still bugged me that I hadn’t seen it coming. Learn the lesson and forge ahead, I guess.
A skill I believe every celebrant needs to have is the ability to leave their personal life locked securely in the car when they get to a venue. Our energy needs to be on point regardless of loss, heartbreak, stress, or feeling under the weather. Our energy must always match the energy of the milestone occasion we are a part of.
I have had numerous days in my celebrant career where I have sat in my car and said to myself over and over, ‘You can do this. You can do this…’ because I wasn’t feeling that I could. I was worried about my sick parents, my children, finances, a disagreement with a friend or my husband - the whole shebang of life. Lock it in the car and leave it there.
Another time, I was feeling increasingly unwell during a ceremony, and in the photo taken with the couple afterwards I have this grey, shiny look to me. I said my farewells and with grim determination drove home before vomiting with gay abandon for the next 24 hours. I informed the couple, hoping that I hadn’t passed my bug onto anyone else and they said they hadn’t noticed that I wasn’t well. Thankfully, no one else got sick, and I was grateful for my acting skills for that one.
I have been nervous of the unpredictability of certain crowds and certain places at times, but no one in attendance would know – ‘You can do this, you can do this, you can do this...’
The celebrant needs to be the calm and confident presence at the front, with their eyes and ears open at all times.
They are the person that helps others to feel seen and heard and celebrated. Some families and friends are capable of creating the right atmosphere for the occasion themselves, but some are not, and that is when a celebrant utilises every ounce of their life experience and intuition to create magic.
If a celebrant is inattentive, unprepared, pitches their energy incorrectly, and cannot be heard because they don’t have a microphone (or refuse to use one – what is that?!) then I suggest this is not the right job for them. Or at the very least, they need to commit to some upskilling.
I have heard many stories about celebrants that couldn’t be heard, or forgot a key component of the ceremony, or kept apologising to the guests for being nervous, or pronounced names incorrectly, or went off-script and started inappropriately ad-libbing about themselves. Yikes!
2. “I believe the GUESTS play a significant role in how a ceremony is perceived. For instance, in the context of weddings (though I’m sure this applies to funerals as well), when you have a fantastic crowd of supportive guests, the atmosphere changes. They are fully present, allowing themselves to embrace the celebration or commemoration of someone’s life. They cheer and engage with the couple, creating a lively environment.”
Oh yes, I wholeheartedly agree with this point, Natasha!
I’ve had a guest who had to go home before the ceremony even began because the bride was so late, the bar was open and they had become too obnoxious and drunk to stay. Many other guests were drunk by the time the ceremony started.
I’ve had guests who brought little/no cheer to a wedding – they were there out of a sense of obligation and you could tell that they were going to leave at the earliest opportunity. There was not an ounce of joy or celebration in them. Maybe they didn’t approve of the match? Maybe there was a long history of family tension?
I’ve had guests heckle me, thinking they’re funny, when in fact they are rude and annoying.
I’ve had many, many guests over the years arrive late when the ceremony has already started. Some are apologetic and sneak in quietly, some bowl in like they own the place. Some have valid excuses for being late, most don’t.
There are simply some people who are not sure what is expected of them when they attend a ceremony – they have not been to a wedding or a funeral before. These people can sit like robots, which in a way is sweet because they don’t want to do the wrong thing, but it is also lacking in energy and engagement. If I find that I have a ‘inexperienced’ crowd I advise them about what they are allowed/expected to do – ‘Feel free to laugh and clap, cheer and cry. Be yourselves, please.’
And, sometimes there are cultural mores that effect a ceremony. Within some cultures it is okay to chat through the ceremony because in their home country the ceremonies aren’t a personal expression of a couple’s story – it’s the same routine and ritual every time, so why bother listening? Similarly, I’ve had guests jumping up and taking a gazillion photos even though they had been asked not to, because posting on social media is big in their culture. No one was bothered, as they were all doing it! I didn’t stand a chance engaging that crowd with my words - I was the outsider so I understood that in this instance lack of engagement was okay. The couple were happy, so I was happy.
When family and friends come to the occasion with their full focus on the event – they bring positive energy, warmth, love, their full attention - those events absolutely ‘fly’, exceeding all expectations. I feel very fortunate to have been a part of many such occasions.
The key is to know what a couple/family are wanting for their ceremony by asking key questions early in the process. It helps them to lock in what is important to them and assists them to give out the right information to guests so that they set their ceremony/day up for success.
3. “CLIENTS play a significant role in the success of a ceremony, impacting it from the initial planning stages to the actual day of the event. They are crucial to the process of creating a meaningful ceremony for themselves or their loved ones. Their demeanour and engagement on the day can greatly influence the overall atmosphere of the event.”
In her podcast, Natasha describes a bride asking the groom during a meaningful part of the ceremony whether he had informed the caterer about their gluten-free guests.
My similar example is a bride (who was a perfectionist with every aspect of her wedding) asking the groom whether he had remembered to put the cake knife out. My instinct was to stare at her in disbelief and say ‘Are you kidding me? You have had everyone involved in this wedding crossing every t and dotting every i and you are not even going to listen to your own ceremony???’
I resisted that urge and just smiled politely waiting for her to finish talking.
If a couple at a wedding are distracted for any reason, it can have a ripple effect through the guests. Pre-wedding stress is a big factor to consider. I have seen couples completely exhausted and strung out by all the setting up beforehand, or leaving their vows to the last minute, or thinking that a cruisy and relaxed occasion is created by cruisy and relaxed planning, and then running around at the last minute in a frenzy.
Family dynamics that are tense or toxic are another stress at weddings and funerals. They have the power to knock a ceremony flat on its face, despite all valiant efforts from the celebrant.
And dare I mention the distracting element of children. I have three children of my own (they are big children now) but I would not have had my toddler son at my wedding for anything. His tantrums were epic when he was two. Children who understand the importance of the occasion are awesome. Ones who don’t can be a significant distraction, so it’s a cognitive ability thing, and a personality thing, rather than an age thing to consider.
I always go with what a couple/family want because it’s their day not mine, but children do pick up on the vibe – it can be the one day that they don’t have their morning sleep, or they are too hot in their outfit and start crying, or they get hungry, or need the toilet, or the crowd overwhelms them, or they just don’t care and would rather be watching the tele.
So who will care for the children if they don’t care to be there or they aren’t coping?
I have seen many couples more engaged in the comfort of their kids than in their words of love and promise, and I always feel that they may, upon reflection later, feel a wee bit short-changed.
Having said that, children can be fabulous ice-breakers. One wee poppet ran out of petals in her basket before she even got to the aisle. Well, she was less than impressed – she threw her basket down, sat on the grass and screamed. Everyone had a laugh and the rest of the ceremony was relaxed and fun. The video of that moment will be played at that poppet’s 21st for sure.
4. “The ENVIRONMENT. This encompasses the surroundings, the venue, the location, and even the weather. All of these elements can significantly influence the mood and success of the ceremony.”
Wow, this is a hot topic at the moment. Currently, New Zealand is not having a summer – it has disappeared somewhere into the ether. Anyone having a lovely outdoor wedding in recent weeks will have probably transferred to plan B, stood under an umbrella, or were soaked by the end of the ceremony.
Contrastingly, in years gone by, I have taken ceremonies where couples have determinedly stuck with their plan to have an outside wedding where guests have fainted, outfits are sweat-soaked, and it is unlikely that anyone remembers anything about the ceremony other than how hot they were. When you are stuck to your plastic chair with sweat and you know that your skin is burning, every minute stretches longer and longer and you just want the ceremony to be over. This has baffled me at times, when there were large established trees 200 metres away offering shade but they were not used.
Some venues are just REALLY noisy. Be warned.
Other factors to consider when it comes to environment are: how easy is it for everyone to get to the venue; where do they park; how easy is it to get around the venue (slippy grass, slopes, stairs, long distances etc…); are they protected from the elements outside; is it air-conditioned inside; are they offered a water or juice on arrival.
The more comfortable and stress-free everyone feels physically in the environment the more they are able to engage with, and enjoy, the event mentally.
I could write thousands of words on this topic of make or break. This is just the beginning of a conversation, but to be useful here is a list of things to think about. There is no right or wrong, I’m just offering thinking points so that you can work out what is make or break for you.
Celebrant
· Do they have training or attend professional development?
· Do they have their own PA system?
· Are they inclusive of all people?
· Do they have experience with any particular needs that you may have – neuro diversity, cultural knowledge, good with children, confident with family tensions, understand loss…?
· Can they write creative and effective ceremonies?
· Are they good listeners?
· Are they professional with their processes – punctual, knowledgeable, reliable, trustworthy…?
· Do they show a genuine care and concern for getting it right for you?
· Can they think on their feet and problem solve?
· Do they understand their role?
Guests
· Are they/were they an important part of your life?
· Will they add to your occasion with positivity and energy?
· Will they prove troublesome?
· Do you feel obliged to invite them? People who truly care for you won’t be upset that they’re not invited due to budget restrictions.
· Will they be there for YOU, or will they be there for the free food and drink?
· Kids? No kids? Just your kids?
· Try giving very clear instructions to your guests on what time to be there, what to expect, how to behave etc…(For example: We want you to feel comfortable so please dress however you wish, but bear in mind that we might be a bit glam. Remember that it will get colder later, and you’ll need shoes you can dance in. Be you. Clapping and cheering during the ceremony is fine. The ceremony will start at 2pm sharp. Please plan ahead to be there early – we’ll make sure a cold drink is waiting for you. We promise to be on time too. The focus for us is celebration, not inebriation. Please drink sensibly.) You get the gist.
Clients/Couples/Families
· Plan well but not obsessively.
· Visualise how you want your occasion to feel as well as how you want it to look.
· Think about what is most important to you and make that happen.
· Employ professional and reliable vendors to support your vision.
· It is your occasion – if someone is going to cause you grief or stress don’t have them there.
· Think about what needs to happen before the occasion to help you be fully engaged in the occasion. Don’t waste a beautiful moment thinking about cake knives and gluten-free crackers.
· If you have children you want to be there, create a comprehensive plan for their care. You love them but that doesn’t guarantee that they will be easy.
Environment
· Does your venue work in any weather? And I mean ANY weather?
· Does the venue suit the whole occasion or just part of it – ie. you’re going to have to go somewhere else?
· Does the venue suit the people coming – think wheelchair access, unfenced water features with toddlers present, is it easy to get to the venue for out of towners, are there transport options, accommodation nearby, enough toilets, baby changing facilities…?
· Is the venue quiet? Countryside does not always equal quiet.
· Will your guests be comfortable from start to finish?
I guess in finishing, I just want to say that we always try for the best but sometimes things go wrong and don’t work out the way we hoped for – celebrant, guest, client and venue included. That’s when we chant the mantra, ‘Let it go. Let it go.’ work out why it was ‘off’ and take that learning with us into the future.
We CANNOT control the weather, how other people choose to behave, and genuine mistakes or accidents.
We CAN control our level of preparation, how we respond to other people’s behaviour, and how we approach solving mistakes and accidents.
The goal is to have a beautiful, heartfelt and genuine ceremony that you will remember, for all the right reasons, for the rest of your life.
I hope this blog helps you on your journey.
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